Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
