my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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