I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
