DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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