I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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