He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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