Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
