they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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