He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
