btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
