Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
