We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
