Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
