He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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