shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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