i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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