I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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