I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
