he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
