I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
