i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
