Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
