you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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