Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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