I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
