What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
