you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i drank out of a bidet.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
