Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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