I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
