Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
