Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
