my soul wont recognize me after tonight
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
