What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
