remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
