there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
