please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
