i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Did I show you my penis last night?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
