remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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