i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
