That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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