that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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