I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
