I accidentally had phone sex last night
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
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Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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