I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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