There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
