I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.