guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before