My cat gives me a boner
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
