Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
