We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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