I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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