Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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