In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
