Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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