So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
