piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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