I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
