her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
